We always enjoy hearing and
telling funny stories, jokes and games and sharing pictures about…..you guessed
it….DOGS! We plan to change the material on this page every month…kind of like a
monthly doggy newsletter.
Dog Humor - What Not to Name Your Dog
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or
"Boy". I call mine "SEX". Now SEX has been very
embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I
told the clerk I would like a license for SEX. He said, "I'd like to
have one too". Then I said, "But this is a dog". He said he
didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand,
I've had sex since I was nine years old". He said I must have been
quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the
dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and
myself, and a special room for SEX. He said that every room in the place
was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, SEX keeps me awake at
night". The clerk said, "me too".
One day I entered SEX into a contest, But before the
competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just
standing there, looking around. I told him I planned to have SEX in the
contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't
understand," I said, "I hoped to have SEX on television".
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight
for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had SEX before I was
married". He said, "me too". Then I told him that after I was
married, SEX left me. He said, "me too".
Last night SEX ran off again. I spent hours looking
around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing
in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I was looking for SEX.
My case comes up Friday............
Life Lessons Learned From A Dog
Don't go out without ID.
Be direct with people; let them know exactly how
you feel by piddling on their shoes.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to
use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose
in the crotch is effective.
When you do something wrong, always take
responsibility
(as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
Dog Mind Games
After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL
DRY YOU!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry
yourself off on the sheets.
This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.
Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans
come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad.
Then, watch as the humans frantically search the
house for the damage they think you have caused.
(Note: This only works when you have done
absolutely nothing wrong.)
Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn
it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea
what they're talking about.
Make your humans be patient. When you go outside
to go 'pee,' sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will
ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk
always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo.'
Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly
well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
When out for a walk, alternate between choking and
coughing every time a strange human walks by.
Hide from your humans. When your humans come home,
don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you.
(Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to
tears).
When your human calls you to come back in, always
take your time.
Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is
set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall
asleep.
(Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive
them nuts!)
